Browse Month

May 2012

I want it in my mouth…

So, I’m at home sick today (actively accepting sponge baths and chicken soup) and I’m watching YouTube videos because I have a full life. byway, I was watching this one of a guy on a CBR600RR maneuvering through a tight obstacle course like CRAZY. I’d never seen anything like it. I was eating a potato and I ended up missing my mouth by inches, potato all over me and the bed, because my eyes were so peeled on this video. I didn’t way to miss a nano-second of it. So what I’m saying is that not everything I want in my mouth gets there. Story of my life. You’re Welcome.

Free French Fries

This is how you get free french fries:
1. Go somewhere where you know they serve fries. (duh).
2. Order nothing but make sure your friend order fries with whatever he orders.
3. Make sure he salts and catsup’s them the way you like.
4. Before he digs into YOUR fries, tell him about your last BM- be graphic and speak with intent.
5. Enjoy your fries! You’ll ‘prolly get the burger and whatever else he ordered too!

You’re Welcome!

Lipstick Enema.

OK, I considered not telling this story because it’s too “serious”, and I know you Wh*res love me more as the comic relief. You know, the poopie, horny, sexy comic relief.
But I must share…
Yesterday on my way home from spending time with my dear old friend Brad at Starbucks, I was rear-ended. Twice. By the same dumb, dumb b*tch who was- get this- Talking on the phone AND putting on her lipstick with the visor down. She actually had no idea she hit me the first time. I had to drive 2 feet forward and then put down the kickstand and get off my bike and walk up to her before she realized that anything was wrong. I kid you not. She had no idea that her foot wasn’t on the brake enough and that the car was even moving. She wouldn’t roll down her window. I told her (shouted) once we got past the light to pull over, and she nodded “OK”. Of course, when I pulled over, she took off. But of course, I followed her (duh), stopped her and she rolled down the passenger window and said she was so so sorry and asked if I was OK. I said this: “I am going to use responsible language because you have a child in the car, but don’t let that mistake your interpretation of how irresponsible you are, on so many levels. You need to get off your phone, put your visor up and do your make-up at home or once parked, keep your foot on the brake and PAY ATTENTION. And the fact that you drove off says so much about you that I feel sorry for your little one who watched his Mommy do this. You should be ashamed of yourself, and thanking almighty God that you didn’t injure me, down my bike or damage it it any way because I would OWN you. And you should be thanking Jesus as well, that I have class enough not to go freakin’ Postal on you in front of your child.” And I ended it with “You should never let something like this happen again. And you should tell all of your friends and family what happened.”
I was very proud of myself that I spoke to that f*cking stupid b*tch in a manner that was respectful of her child being able to hear me. However, I wanted to shove her phone up her *ss and give her a lipstick enema. True. F*cking. Story.