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April 2013

Turning 40 sucks. Or at least it will when we get done with him! :)

Good Morning working class.
Now listen, I haven’t don this in a while, and it’s a shame because it’s so damn fun for everyone… But I’m doing it today: Today my dear old friend turns 40. He was dumb enough to get an unlimited text plan way back when he was still in his 30’s, so here’s his number so you can all text him and wish him happiness in his old age. Be creative. Be funny, but most of all- be annoying. Everyone who texts him today for his big giant day gets Oral from me. And his wife. She’s a hot piece of Latin *ss too, lemme tell ‘ya.
Anyway, please text away! His name is “K”. Go for it, kiddies! 562-413-4835


2:59.58 A.M.: Fast asleep and probably having a sex dream.
3:00 A.M.: *BEEP!*
3:00.20 A.M.: “*BEEP!*
3:00.21 A.M. Me: “What the f*ck is that?” 26 looks at me like “I don’t know, Daddy, but it’s annoying the f*ck outta’ me too.”
3:00.40 A.M. *BEEP*

I can’t believe that I can sleep through a double-stacked freight rain driving by (and it’s really loud with all that damn honking they do) but this little warning beep from the smoke alarm woke me out of a dead sleep.

F*ck 9V batteries.
There. I feel better now.

This happened today. Sad Toyota…

Now normally I come prepared with something hugely inappropriate, farty, boobie, sexy, gross or as I like to sum it up: just plain funny. But today, this happened, and it was real. And serious. And I am so glad that everyone involved was there to help the poor woman trapped in that car.

See that moonroof on the ground? I pulled that f*cker off (with the reluctant help of a guy who then promptly left) and got inside and got the lady out. She was calm, maybe in shock, but let me make this perfectly clear- If I had been the one scrunched up like that sitting on her own drivers window in my car that just slammed into the railroad tracks and then flipped over on its side: I would have been a screaming, crying, fainting mess. So I give her MAD PROPS for holding it together.

 (thank the guy who made Jesus that no one was hurt in the making of this photo.)
((i almost never repeat myself, but… same as above.)
(P.S. RIP Avalon.)
FYI: The lady was unhurt. Not a scratch on her. Just glass in her hair and eyelashes (which I took out because, let’s face it, she is not gonna get a man with glass in lashes), and she didn’t even need an ambulance. She had a group of really good, smart and determined people helping her today. I won’t forget this for a very long time. I saw a bunch of strangers coming together to help another single stranger. This is what really matters in life. Let’s love one another and toss aside the fluffy bullish*t. It doesn’t matter anyway.
I PROMISE I will follow up with something super disgusting and/or sexual tomorrow. You all get Oral from me for reading a serious post. Good job, Wh*res.