I was just on the phone with my first boyfriend and this would have been our 20 year anniversary… So what does that dumb-sh*t do…? He asks me to marry him. Seriously.
I’m about to enter the gym to pretend to work out. What I’m actually going to do is go into the locker room and masturbate in every single shower stall. That’s because that’s who I am. It’s my job, really.
It showed up. It’s been nice. It bought me a hotdog.
Blind date is 20 minutes late. Do I consider this a stand-up?