Dear my friends

To all my Friends:
If there something wrong with your PC, take it to geek squad. If there something wrong with your Mac, iPad, iPhone, iPod… Take it to the Apple Store.
Something wrong with your car? Need an oil change or your spark plugs/rotor/wires/air filter/fuel filter replaced? Are your brakes squealing really bad because you’ve been driving on no brake pads for a week and need someone to put new rotors on and new brake pads on the calipers? Is your car overheating because it’s been leaking anti-freeze for a while but you’ve just been putting water in the radiator to get by as long as you can? Well… Take it to Pep Boys. Or a Shadetree mechanic. Or to your dealer.
Want to start a blog or a website? Need someone to secure a domain/website for you? Or don’t really know how to use the gadgets that you have but really want to learn? Hire an IT specialist.
Does your adorable pooch or kitty need their shots/nails trimmed/to be babysat or walked because you want to go out of town? Here’s an idea: Take the little guy to your vet. Or to a really fun social boarding facility while you’re on vacation. Or better yet, have an actual person who does in-home babysitting for a living while you’re off on your $5000 trip to Hawaii. For the third time this year.
Did your cell phone get turned off because you haven’t paid your bill in three months? Have you found it more important to buy cigarettes, beer, meth and whatever else then to pay your $40 a month MetroPCS bill? I’m sorry what was that? You want to come on to my family share plan because it would be super super cheap for me to put you on my plan?
What happened? Your car got repossessed because, well, for pretty much the same reasons as your phone got turned off…? And now you want to use my car for a little while, you know, since I have my motorcycle I can use anyway? And by all means, sure. Of course I won’t smell that you’ve been smoking in my brand-new car even when I specifically told you not to. No problem. I won’t say a word. I’ll pretend like I never smelled it.
And are you moving? Do you need help with moving all of your stuff out of your house and then to your new house and then brought into said new house? Here’s a far-fetched idea: Rent a pick up truck from U-Haul. They are $20. Then go to Home Depot, rent a handful of very nice very friendly Mexican gentleman who could surely use the money and will do a really great job to help you move. No, you can’t use my pick up truck.
Are you starting to get the hint here?
I would’ve said this yesterday, but most of you would’ve thought that it was an April fools joke. It’s no joke. I’m not joking.
DON’T F*CKING CALL ME. Just because I’m a computer whiz, a bit of a mechanic, an animal lover/good with animals, and an all-around NICE GUY who doesn’t say no a lot, therefore ends up being everybody else’s b*tch doesn’t mean that you should take advantage of my kindness and good heart. Some of you motherf*ckers I only hear from when you need something. And in the past I have been stupid enough to drive really far out of my way to go to your house to help you fix your stuff/animals/car and get nothing but sometimes a meaningless “thank you” or “let’s have dinner sometime” and then I don’t hear from you again until you need something from me the next time. I’m done. I am not you’re bent over the barstool b*tch. You all – and I mean all, have more money than me and some of you are f*cking bona fide millionaires. Go hire a person who’s field it is to help you with whatever it is that you’re asking me to do for you for free on my own time and my own gas and my own mileage. I am done. Sick of it. Done. Over. Done. I’m not kidding.
Oh, and here’s another one in case the ones above weren’t enough: So you lost your car because you’re a big fan of the drinking and driving. (Yeah, there are a few other people on this list who are as well. Maybe I can set you up on dates. Oh no wait, you’d have no way to go see each other…) Well, I’m sorry to hear that you have no car and no license. Truly. But are you seriously asking me to drive 50 miles to your house so that I can drive you to the grocery store which is less than a mile away from your house so that you can go grocery shopping? Oh… And you also want to run a few errands, you know, “since we’re already out”. Sure. I’ll drive 100 mile round-trip, use my gas and my time to shuffle you around when you can just call a ‪#‎Lyft‬ or get on the bus that’s right at the end of your driveway. Oh and look at that, isn’t that cute… While we were at Vons you bought two bottles of vodka. ‪#‎HowDidINotSeeThatComing‬
No. Go away. Ask someone else.
And by the way, if you owe me money because I loaned you some or did something for you that you said you would pay me for etc. etc., now would be a good time to pony up. I’m not a bank. I live in a fucking motorhome you *ssholes.
Well… I feel much better. smile emoticon

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