Here’s a simple little diddy- I am sitting on the toilet, quietly surfing the web, minding my own business. Then, from the other side of the bathtub curtain I start hearing creaking. It stops then starts again. I’m thinking “Holy crap, 1 of 2 things is happening: we’re either about to have a f*cking earthquake, or the demon from “The Last Exorcism” movie that is currently on Pause on Netflix in the living room, is about to jump out at me.” So, what did I do? I decided I’d wait it out and just Blog about it. Yeah.

One of my dumb-b*tch friends told me to get the offices painted and furnished already before everyone quits. I say “I’m trying to do it right, save resources and our start-up cash- you know, the money I made by bl*wing soldiers their moment back into port. Driving to Long Beach was exhausting. Anyway, so she says “Make it simple, rent a Mexican”. She said it as though there was nothing wrong with that statement. I wouldn’t “rent a Mexican”. I would ask him if would do the work and then when the job was done tell him his work was sub-par (like I do when Candice Cayne is done with “her work” right before throwing her out of my house). Then I wouldn’t pay him. But “Rent a Mexican”? That’s just mean.

So, I was looking for a parking spot after dropping my semi-handicapt friend off at the eatery first, and I’m  doing the typical LA/NY block-circling and I’m about to turn and I see this older (than me) man on all fours (Yes, I know, I just said “All Fours, you f*uckin’ pigs) just barely out of the crosswalk and almost on the sidewalk. I figure he had just tripped, and would get the Hell up and continue on his way. Nope, he couldn’t manage to get his bearings and back up to his feet. Now traffic is driving right by him, dangerously close to him. Then 2 people walk in front of my car towards him in the opposite crosswalk and are 10 feet from the poor guy and I think to myself “Well this will be nice, I’m going to witness people helping people. Nope. The 2 d*uche-bags walk right by him. I hit the hazards and jump out…. and even though the guy behind me can clearly see the guy, and it’s obvious why I’m jumping out of my car, he starts honking. (He can s*ck my d*ck at this point- I’m GLAD he’s stuck there!). I get to the guy, help him to his feet and his nose is bleeding and he’s a little cut up. Apparently, he had done a face-plant forgetting to lift his step for the curb. Just as I’m getting him to a chair at the local burger joint 20 feet away, a pair of good samaritans show up. These 2 c*ck-suckers (and I say that not because they did anything wrong, quite the opposite, it’s just that they are actual c*ck-suckers, “Gays”). They had come from the Starbucks ALL the way across the opposite corner of the block because they saw him fall and saw that no one was helping. So, he must have been there for a god 1/2 minute before I stopped, right?! Anyway, the 2 guys go and get him napkins for his nose bleed and a bag of ice for his knee. We stayed with him and talked for a bit to make sure he was OK and going to remain OK. The guy jokingly swore he had only had 4 drinks. But you know, at least he came right out and just said it. I love that.
So, one of the 2 pony-riders gave me his card and of course now I’m going to have to have a 3-way with them. The job never ends.
2 thumbs up to the guys that helped…. But probably not in the way they’d want…..

Last night I fell in love again. I had forgotten how it felt. It was so emotional, I felt it as it was happening, almost like a warmth of happiness coming over me. People- I am talking about driving down the 110 Freeway late late at night with the iPod delivering what I like to call “*ss-thumping” music through a sound system I would like to f*ck hard.
You’re Welcome.

Letter responding to dumb b*tch that somehow works at Apple Computers. She had to take over for this more dumberer b*tch because that dumberer b*tch was saying things that were at least standing out as stUpiT- even to her. Follow so far? Good. Now, the following almost sounds professional and very well written, with just a snark of c*ntiness form me. Don’t be fooled. Please read on….:

________
Courtney,

I read this response and just kind of laughed to myself. What ever happened to the high quality of customer support  Apple and its employees are so famous for? You took so much time to write this email to me, but what you should have done is looked into my account and gotten the facts first.

First of all, Apple Support was more than happy to refund the iTunes Match that was purchased in November, because THEY took the time to see what had happened, and they were quick to rectify it. So yes, it was refunded. But because this second purchase was made just a few days ago, and as your “May” pointed out, refunds are only possible until 2 weeks, so in light of that, you should have had no problem refunding this 3 day old purchase. But whatever, you won’t do it, then so be it. I will go above you and have a competent person do it. 

See, if you would have taken the time to look at all the support cases involving my account, just the ones over the past few months, you would have seen the obvious problems and probably not made such a remedial misstep with this response you sent me.

I have had @mac.com for 12 years, not 2 months. And you would have also seen that I had to be moved off of @mac.com a few days ago because the transition to iCloud from MobileMe corrupted or otherwise screwed up my account. That’s why Apple Support was happy to do the refund….. because as you should know, which you apparently don’t, this most recent iTunes Match purchase with my new Apple ID will not work because most of the tracks and all Apps were purchased with the corrupt ID. So, it needs to be refunded and then purged from my current Apple ID/iTunes Library. But, I have to assume that you don’t know what you’re doing, so I forgive you for giving me such bad customer support, as it’s probably due to the fact that you are uneducated when it comes to situations like this.

I will be sure to let you know, Courtney, when someone capable has rectified this. But meanwhile, with only some due respect, you should educate yourself on how to deal with situations like this and its protocol. You are not capable of being a senior advisor, because a good senior advisor would have contacted Technical Support to see what this case was all about. You did not. You just simply copied and pasted TOS to me. A monkey could have done that. You did the job of a monkey. Yes, I said it. I said it because the level of support you offered was that poor.

I am happy to contact the appropriate management and forward these emails to him/her, so they may see what a poor job yourself and May did. I would expect nothing less from Dell Support or The Geek Squad. But you work for Apple. You need to step it up and represent the fine company accordingly. On the same token, I will be sure to commend the two awesome Apple Support members, to their management, because they spent quite a lot of time, to make this first part right, and I am so pleased that they did.

I hope this email helps you think about how maybe next time you can serve Apple Customers better.

Have a wonderful day, Courtney.

I am truly sorry to inform you that I couldn’t get the video recorder out and recording quick enough. But this is what it looked like: This chick was a WH*RE!! I mean it’s kinda’ cold outside and she was wearing a skirt so short that everyone with at least 5/20 vision became her Gynecologist.
BTW, not a fan of the untrimmed lady part. I’m a fan of a bald monkey myself. She had a forest going on.